Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Something about the Rain
Tonight - I decided to just sit out back while it rains. Just softly enough now that the birds are still singing, the air has cooled and the evening just seems so fitting to my mood. Inside my kids play, the commotion of paths of whirlwind destruction from their games is sure to be a big job to clean - but for now I am ignoring it all and just enjoying time alone to think and blog.
Beside me is the plant I received for Mother's Day... and I observed it as the rain fell on the buds and it just beckoned me to take a picture..
Tonight I feel like my plant. If I was a tree huggin hippy (love you guys!!!) I would say - I feel one with my plant. ;-) It just reminds me of ... me. Despite sounding completely corny I thought about it.
When I brought my plant home on Mother's Day it was too cold for it to be outside. I didn't water it because I assumed my dad had. He is good like that. Two days later the flowers had all fallen off, and the leaves were dropping over the side. My kids were mortified. It got warm enough and I took it outback and gave it a huge drink of water. Immediately it perked back up. (Phew!!! Cause I swear my kids were about ready to cry!)
Now as I sit here looking at it, there are a few open flowers and many many many buds. As I watch the rain pour on the leaves it makes me think of the rain I often feel.. I can hear the thunder in the distance. Seems like I have been going through my share of showers...
But without the rain the buds will never open.
Today was a sweet day. I had a nice morning but I had way too much time to think. About me. About what I am doing. About where I am going. About what I want.
And what I want DESPERATELY is to see the rain that I feel way too much - bloom what I have in me. I have so many dreams. It is a hard road to have dreams, a future and then feel like it was stripped away from you in an instant. Crushed and stopped in it's tracks. The life I had so comfortably made - God transplanted me smack dab into another over night almost. Ok... it was years in the making... but the actual GO... seems like a blur.
So many years of dreaming and blooming... building my garden... and now what? Its a struggle to just go day to day and provide for my kids in this world of economic craziness. And yes, I am well aware that I am not alone. That EVERYONE has their mountains. (but its my blog - lol)
I am a list person. I am a goal setting person. I was told by a past friend that I never am happy unless I am working on something. When she met me I was working on planning my wedding. As soon as that was done I was working on planning to get pregnant. Then there was figuring out what was happening in the womb at every second and stage. How as my delivery gonna go. Now I got kids - lets start with breastfeeding, homemade baby-food, cloth diapering, then as they grew on to homeschooling. Buying a house, remodeling the house. Plans, lists, deadlines, stress and I LOVE IT ALL!
Now I sit - Pinteresting all my dreams. Who invented Pinterest!? You hate me don't you!?? You know I can't avoid a place where I can ORGANIZE pictures and websites and ah it is HEAVEN for a control freak like myself!
... Rain... I know I need it. I know it sustains the very life I live. But it doesn't make it any easier... I need to refocus. Stop looking at the thunder and lightening and focus on the rain. What is God doing? And what is so amazing is that even when I try so hard to avoid His rain and pruning, he doesn't let me whither and die. I might feel like a day or two without water and feel the drooping... but then he is there. Whispering to me to keep coming back. Know what I have to offer. What I can be.... and stop picking at my own leaves. (Yes - add that to my illustration because I found myself nervously picking the plant when I was feeling confused... poor plant. I am sorry. lol) But I need to stop being destructive to what I can be.
I know it seems silly but it is amazing what God talks to my heart about when I sit and listen. Tonight He was talking to my heart with the sweet rain on my flowers. Thank GOD it didn't take him talking to me through Lightening ;-)