So I started reading a new book and MAN did it hit home today....
The book is called Grace for the Good Girl :Letting Go of the Try Hard Life .
For all of us "Good Girls" This book really registers with me. But I am still in the introduction and have not gotten to the meat yet. (trust me - setting up the "you might be's" and all the different "have you ever..." in a life of a Good Girl takes a long time - and I am reading along going - thats me! oh my and laughing because I am so predictable in this book) I wish I had gotten to the part that told me how to let go already... Cause today I had a moment.
One of those times where my facade of trying to be the perfect mom was caught off guard and I am kicking myself all night. And then add to it, I know I should let go and not set such unrealistic expectations of myself having 3 littles at home all day, a full schedule and a sick kid today to boot... but I just couldn't.
I think adding a few more "on tops" like lack of sleep last night, a still fevering cranky kid, I am having a little over emotional night feeling like I failed. My home was seen in utter disray because I let the kids play hard and was attending Wyatt's demanding request for Mac and Cheese and he wanted it cooked right from the box. Waiting for noodles to boil was not on his agenda.
Do you know how much the "Good Girl" in me was dying as a hanger was kicked out of the way in the path back to the door through Lego Duplos?? I feel defeated.
And on top of that - I feel like a bad mom for feeling defeated! Because I SHOULD be able to let go and say - MY HOUSE IS LIVED IN TODAY! I let the kids have fun and I am not ashamed of it. ...
This adds to the fixing I have to do with myself. Years of it starting fights with the X if kid toys were in the living room. We were not supposed to have it look like kids lived in our house. I vowed that in MY HOME I was not letting this rule me. I was letting the kids be kids and if that means a wagon in the living room then so be it!
I realized tonight that I am not doing so well overcoming this. When did my self worth rely on people thinking I was able to have kids home all day long and keep on top of the toys?
I am sure all of my homeschool friends will give me encouragement knowing the life of a homeschooler is NEVER clutter free when school is really in session. When you have a small home and your kitchen doubles as a school room it is just something we accept. And I gladly accept that to have my babies home where they belong. And kids play - pillows and blankets get taped to the wall to become stages (Especially now that we have access to making videos on our 3ds) and papers will be taped all over the walls as announcements to come to the concert...
So you know the drill. Tonight I am just needing a "sigh". My "mask" was temporarily set down and someone saw behind it and I HATED how painful that was. Hated every second of it. And I think... I really need to finish this book so I can figure out how to let go! I want to be one of those people I envy who can say - this is who I am - deal with it, like me or not, I don't care. But that is a laugh. Anyone who knows me knows I care WAY WAY WAY too much what others think. It is almost unhealthy but I am working on it.
Speaking of unhealthy... I had another depressing situation today. ... I had to start Cholesterol Medicine. ME! 32 next week and Cholesterol Meds??? :::::CRY::::: I tried hard to avoid them. Most of you know I have been working hard this year on exercising and loosing weight. But I guess I couldn't avoid it. So today I had to bite the bullet and get on meds. That itself was fun. Did you guys know Walgreens has decided to be mean and stop taking my insurance??? WHY? So I was stuck standing in line behind 10 people at Giant Eagle trying to keep Wyatt from being run over by carts! Only after my hectic ordeal did a friend tell me that the OTHER Giant Eagle has drive through... oye. lol Well at least next time :-)